Mothers know best

I have had many conversations recently with other mothers, both first time mothers and mothers of more than one child, and I find it striking how similar our concerns, worries and experiences seem to be. I said in a previous post (link here) that I thought a lot more could be said about mothers’ instinct when it comes to one’s own child, so here are a few more thoughts…

When it comes to their own baby, mothers often do really know best, and it is worth following one’s gut instinct. There are so many choices that we have to make for our babies, and so much information that we are bombarded with, that we often find ourselves making decisions and then questioning ourselves and regretting it straight away (but, had we taken the opposite course of action, we might well have doubted ourselves anyway). On every dilemma, my answer would always be: do whatever works best for you and your baby, and never fret, because every baby is different, and every baby will do things in his or her own time. I wish I had known these things when I first had the Girl – it would have saved us both a whole lot of stress, tears and worries.

Here is a list of the most pressing dilemmas that I was faced with the first time around, and that I have been encountering again with the Boy (not all of them, not yet, but I am sure all of this is coming at some point):

1. Breastfeeding or formula ?

I have little time for either breastfeeding nazis or staunch formula supporters: I have breastfed both my children, and went almost weekly to a breastfeeding clinic during the first six months, for support as well as for company. However, I appreciate that this does not come easily to everyone, and some babies just need to be topped up with formula, or can only have formula, and this can be for all sorts of health-related and other reasons.  I am grateful to have been able to breastfeed, but I know that I would have been okay with it if I hadn’t been able to, because no matter what, I would have done the best I could for my babies.

2. Co-sleeping or not? 

The Girl spent the first three nights of her life in bed with me (the first two, because she clearly needed it in order to stimulate my milk supply, and the third because I was too scared to put her down, I needed to feel her close to me so that I could protect her); after that, she went into her own crib and only came into bed with me every now and again, for a feed. The Boy, however, spent the first four months of his life sleeping right next to me, because this worked much better for both of us (to my husband’s discontentment!). I know that the advice is that we shouldn’t do this, and I wasn’t in the least impressed when the overeager health visitor asked to see where the Boy was sleeping: I believe that, by not telling her the whole truth, we didn’t lie, we just let her believe what she was comfortable with (my husband gestured in the direction of the crib, which was right next to our bed, and she assumed that the crib was what we meant). I wish I hadn’t had to do that – ultimately, I knew that there was nothing wrong with our mattress, that I did not drink or take drowsiness-inducing medicines, that I was very careful even in my sleep, and that everyone was happier this way. I was doing what was the best for both me and my baby, what felt right to us, and that, in my mind, is the most important thing.

3. Dummy or no dummy?

I did not want my children to have dummies, because one of my own early memories is about being very attached to my own dummies (I had three of them) and finding it very traumatic to let go. However, my children made their own choices on this topic: when we tried to introduce a dummy to the Girl, she spat it out (possibly, because we only tried it at six weeks, by which time it was too late). I felt all smug about this, I must admit, because my mother was adamant that every baby should be given a dummy, and the Girl had proven *me* right. Little did I know how different things would be the second time around: the Boy was so much in need of comfort as a newborn, that after two weeks in which he used me as a dummy and ended up giving himself endless tummy aches, I caved and gave him one, and it has been glued to him ever since. I still don’t know how we are going to wean him off it, and I can’t deny it makes me a bit anxious sometimes. But, at least, I know that dummies can be taken away, one way or another, whereas, if he were to replace the dummy with a finger, we can’t exactly cut that off… I guess we shall cross this bridge when we come to it – for now, we are doing what is right at this time.

4. Cloth nappies/wipes or disposable ones?

I have used disposable nappies with both my children, simply because I didn’t want to invest in buying a large selection of cloth ones, but I have friends who are happily using washable nappies and I respect that. I also used disposable wipes with the Girl. However, with the Boy I have been using the wonderful Cheeky Wipes – washable cotton terry and bamboo wipes, that are much gentler on the skin and much more effective at cleaning. My mother-in-law was skeptical about these especially at the beginning, and called them a regression to things that she and other women of her generation were happy to be rid of, but I have stuck to my guns, because I have found they work for me: they were infinitely better in the first few weeks than the cotton wool and water I used with the Girl, (which would stick to everything and leave behind a lot of fluff), and they are so much nicer to use now that he is eating solids. However, I mix and match the Cheeky Wipes with disposable ones, which are often more convenient and quicker to get. Again, I am doing what works for us, and I am happy with it.

5. Baby-led weaning or purees? 

Just like with breastfeeding, I don’t think there is a hard-and-fast answer to these questions. I don’t agree with any of the militant approaches, either baby-led weaning or exclusive puree-feeding. I am too much of a control-freak myself to be able to trust that, if we do baby-led weaning exclusively, the Boy will take enough while he is learning to chew and deal with solid food; but, on the other hand, I know from our own experience that, if a baby is showing an interest in food, it is best to capitalise on it and let him explore for himself – after all, if he gets anywhere near food, you won’t be able to stop it. When the Girl was little, I started to wean her around 5 months because I was so keen to start, but she wasn’t ready, so I had to stop and start again when she was six months old, and even then, it took us a really long time to get her used to lumpy food and to combat her relentless fussiness. I have had a completely different experience with the Boy, who showed an interest in food from four months and even earlier, and whom I simply had to start on solids as soon as he turned five months (and even that probably seemed later than he would have liked, given how avidly he has taken to it). I guess we are doing baby-led weaning in the most literal sense: I am taking my cue from him, letting him guide me through his weaning process, I am both feeding him purees because I want to know that he is taking enough food, and letting him experiment with holding the spoon and playing with toast fingers and other bits of finger food. This seems the best compromise for us, and so far, it is working, and he is happy and eating like a little horse.

6. Crying it out or not?

Well, on this one, I know that our approach is not the same as that of some of our friends: with both our children, my husband and I have been known to be quite ruthless at times. Not that we are advocates of controlled crying, far from us the thought, but sometimes, after you have put up with a lot of crying and fussiness from a baby, and your exhaustion gets to you, you just have to do what is best for you and – hopefully – for the baby as well, in the long run. The Boy used to cry so much when he was littler, in fact, until he was about five months or so – he would cry in the night, in the day, at random moments, and absolutely nothing I could do would soothe him. In the end, because he was crying so much in the night, we moved his crib into his own room when he was about four and a half months old, and since he wouldn’t be soothed by anything, we let him cry it out for a while until he learned to soothe himself, and I’m sure we are all much happier for it now. Also, because I just needed him to go down in the evening so that I could spend a bit of time with the Girl as well, I started putting him down in his crib a few minutes before her, with his dummy and toy elephant; most nights, I am pleased to say, he falls asleep quite happily on his own. Of course this doesn’t mean that he isn’t getting plenty of love, kisses and cuddles: in fact, he gets lots of those when he wakes in the night (and he is still waking every couple of hours or so), and he gets lots of cuddles all through the day as well. But the times when I just need him to be able to self-soothe, he has learned to do it and does it very well most times, and our household is generally much more peaceful because of it.

7. Moving baby into his/her own room 

The advice on this is that the baby should sleep in his or her parents’ room until 6 months, because this is helpful in preventing cot death (if the baby stops breathing, the parents are much more likely to hear if the crib is right next to their bed). As I said above, we didn’t make it to this deadline with the Boy, because by 4.5 months we were so exasperated by his night-time crying, that we decided he just had to learn to go into his own room, because we were sure that we were disturbing him as much as he was disturbing us. And, sure enough, he has slept much better in his own room. Of course we keep an eye on him and we listen out for him, and we are planning on setting up a baby monitor as well for added safety, but we made the transition when the time felt right to us, and we are okay for it. (The Girl moved into her own room and a full-size cot when she was 5 months old; although the Boy is in his own room, he is still in the little crib, because I just haven’t managed to find the time to clear the room enough for my husband to set up the cot. As many second children, the Boy just has to fit around our busy family life, but he is okay with it and, as he cannot sit up by himself yet, he is still fine in the crib.)

8. Tummy time 

When the Girl was little, she absolutely hated tummy-time. If I put her on her tummy, she would scream, and as soon as she was able to roll over, she would immediately roll onto her back. I used to kick myself over this, thinking I was failing her as a mother, and that this would affect her long-term development (that is certainly what some baby books I was reading at the time were suggesting). Well, I am proud to report that, at four and a half, she is happy, healthy and perfectly able to walk, jump, run, and even dangle head down from the climbing frame in her school playground (something that gives me small heart attacks every time I watch her do it!). She started walking at fifteen months, a bit later than some children but earlier than others, and the almost non-existent tummy time  clearly did her little harm.

In exchange, the Boy started rolling over the day before he turned three months old, and by now, three months later, he only wants to be on his tummy (quite an inconvenient when it comes to changing his nappy or his clothes). He is clearly more developed physically than his sister was, but I’m sure that tummy time is simply a matter of preference: what this will mean for when he is older, only time will tell.

9. Travelling with baby

I know that first time parents can be particularly anxious about travelling with a small baby, and we certainly were when the Girl was little: I first flew with her when she was five months old, because I had to go visit family, and we only dared take a brief holiday when she was seven months old. We were anxious about how she would be during the journey, and we were anxious about the amount of stuff she would require. In truth, these were more our own anxieties than anything to do with fact. Yes, babies need a lot of things, but they are much more pliable and resilient than they look. By the time I was pregnant with the Boy, we decided to get over our fears, and we booked our first holiday abroad with him for when he was three months old. And, indeed, it all went really well, and we had a lovely time together: sure enough, we weren’t able to just sit and sip cocktails by the pool, and I came back without the tan I would have liked, because I had to sit mostly in the shade with him, but this didn’t really put a dampener on our enjoyment and we were very happy to have taken the plunge.

10. Potty training 

We are obviously nowhere near that with the Boy, but I would like to hope that, by the time this comes about, I will be more prepared than I was with the Girl. My mother kept reminding me that I myself was out of nappies by the age of one (unsurprising, I’d say, since in my day, nappies were those horrible pieces of cloth that would have been terribly uncomfortable and irritating for a baby’s bottom, and a nuisance for the mother who had to wash and boil them). So, I was guilt-tripped into trying to potty-train the girl when she was just over two (already over a year late, I naively thought!). I refused to take into account the fact that she wasn’t ready, and of course, it went terribly, she just didn’t get it, I got angry and fed up with her, and eventually just gave up altogether, which made me feel an utter failure. When she was two years and seven months and, more importantly, when she decided it was time herself, she announced that she would no longer wear nappies during the day and, to my surprise, she was dry and clean during the day within a week (and with very few subsequent accidents as well). It took her another year or so to become fully dry and clean during the night as well, and we used night pants during this time, and by now all of this seems a distant memory (so, why oh why, one might say, did we decide to go through it all again a second time, having just finished with all this nappy malarkey?!? We must be suckers for punishment…). The key was, I know now, to pay attention to the Girl, to take my cue from her and to wait until she was ready: had I listened to my instincts rather than to external pressure, the whole process would have been a lot less stressful.

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I’m sure there are many more issues, questions, quandaries that we face in this wonderful journey which is parenting, and I’m sure there are many things which I am yet to encounter. However, having been through it all once, I feel a lot more prepared and calm about everything now. The responsibility of having to make choices for our children, and teaching them to eventually make their own (hopefully, right) choices, can be so overwhelming. However, going with our instinct, doing what feels right and owning our decisions instead of wasting our time and energy worrying, can allay some of the stress and make us, as well as our children, a lot happier.