Today I want to write about connection. Over the last couple of months, I have been following the 12-week online parenting course created by Dr Laura Markham, of AHAParenting.com. The course, which is now two thirds of the way through, builds on her wonderful book, Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids (for some reason, ‘translated’ as Calm Parents, Happy Kids for the UK market). This has become one of my go-to parenting books, and I often find myself citing from it.

The peaceful parenting philosophy is based on three key concepts: emotional self-regulation (you can’t parent on an empty tank, since you cannot give anything to others if your own tank is empty); connection; and coaching, not controlling. I’m sure I will spend a lot more time in times to come writing about the first and third of these, but today I want to talk about the one that is, to my mind (and to Dr Markham’s too), the most important one of the three: connection.

The idea here is simple: fear is a very poor motivator of good behaviour, and even less, of morals. Children are very unlikely to do as they are told if the only motivator is the threat of punishment. In fact, it is practically impossible to instil a sound moral compass and a good set of values by using mere force. If fear of being caught is the only thing that keeps children from misbehaving, it is easy to see how, as soon as that danger is gone (say, because they are away from us or because they know for sure there is no way we could catch them) they are bound to going back to doing exactly what they want, with no qualms whatsoever. So force and threatened punishment are more likely to teach children how to dodge our surveillance, how to sneak behind our backs in order to get away with whatever it is they want, rather than giving them a sound moral compass. Instead, what does engage children’s cooperation much more effectively is connection. If children feel connected to us (or to anyone else, for that matter), they are much more likely to accept what we tell them, to embrace our values and to do the things that they believe would please us. And, ultimately, what we want to achieve is that, when they are grown up and are faced with a choice between right and wrong, our children choose the right thing not because they are afraid of authority (our own or that of the law), or because they are worried about what others might think: we want them to choose the right thing because they know it is the right thing, because their internal moral compass guides them to it.

My own experience has been most telling. The more connected the Girl feels to me, the smoother our relationship is and the keener she is to cooperate with me. A couple of years ago, when I was going through a difficult time of loss and depression, and she was going through the emotionally explosive toddler years, our connection really suffered, so our interactions were often mutually angry ones: she would (more often than not, deliberately so as to wind me up) do things that I had asked her not to, or she would refuse to do what I asked her to. I would then get frustrated and shout at her, sometimes saying quite hurtful things that came from a place of anger and powerlessness. There were even a few times (and I’m not proud of them!) when I resorted to spanking in an attempt to subdue her. Every control freak (like I certainly was then, and I often tend to be now still) inevitably struggles when coming into contact with another very strong personality that strives to impose its own will: and the Girl is certainly a tough cookie with a lot of will and determination of her own. Our rough edges coming together made each other even rougher, our disconnection was almost clinical, and motherhood was a profoundly exasperating experience all round.

Things are so very different now. I have worked hard to build my connection with her, and our relationship is, most of the time, warm, calm and loving. I have made my limits clear to her and have made the choice to stop raising my voice (as much as possible) and to treat her with respect and understanding. Of course, she still sometimes forgets to stick to the rules (after all, she is only 5, and even she reminds me often that perfection belongs to God alone!). But, most of the time, she stays well within the boundaries because she wants to stay on my good side, she wants us to get on, and she trusts that what I ask her to do is for her own good and for that of our whole family.

Here are a few things that we do to build this connection, and that I believe any parent can do with his or her children:

1. Reading together

This is our special time, and it has always been very meaningful for both of us. When the Boy was a few months old, I decided to protect my special time with the Girl and put him to bed early, so that I could have a bit of one-on-one time with her. He consequently goes to bed at 6:30, and for about 30-45 minutes, the Girl and I read together. First, she reads to me from one of her school books or other similar books of the right level, and I credit this with her very good progress with reading. Then, I read to her. Until recently, Julia Donaldson was a great favourite, and so were a number of other toddler books that we rotated. However, soon after the Girl’s fifth birthday, I felt that she was ready to go to a slightly higher level, so I introduced her to ‘big girl’ books: our first was Roald Dahl’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory; then, I read Matilda to her, and some books for younger readers by Jacqueline Wilson (at the moment, we are both very much enjoying Rent a Bridesmaid, her latest book).  I very much hope that, as the Girl grows older and becomes a free reader, we can continue reading to each other regularly, and enjoying books together. I hope this always stays our special thing.

2. Sharing milkshakes or hot chocolate (any other favourite treats work here)

The Boy is in nursery one day a week, and I use the afternoons as another bonding time for the Girl and me. When the weather allows, we go to our favourite local coffee shop and have milkshakes together, or if it’s rather cold outside, we come home and make Nutella hot chocolate (one teaspoon of Nutella in about 200ml of milk, warmed up in the microwave for 45 seconds – heaven in a cup!). This is a perfect time to catch up, chat and, often, read together.

3. Outings to shows

To date, ever since she was 2, the girl has been to 29 shows: from puppet theatre, to bigger productions with lots of actors, ballets and pantos, around Hertfordshire, in Cambridge and London (including the West End). I usually book way in advance and make sure we have really good seats, and she enjoys them all. Now that she is a bit bigger, she really gets into the stories, crying and laughing along with them. It is a delight to see and share in. And a bonus for me: most of the time we have gone as a family, but at the moment the Boy is too little to be taken to shows, so it is just the Girl and me on most outings, which gives us yet another occasion to bond. I look forward to the day when we can once more go as a family (and we will use the boy as an excuse to go to little kiddy shows like In the Night Garden, the Gruffalo and Room on the Broom), but in the meantime, I’m really enjoying my one-on-one times with her.

4. Playing board games 

Whenever we have a bit of time on our own (such as on the afternoons when the Boy is in nursery, or on a weekend morning when his father is playing with him), the Girl and I play board games together. I’m not a very outdoorsy person at the best of times (unless the weather is really lovely, which in this country it rarely is the case, and this year seems even worse than usual), and I’m not that great with going to the park or soft play centres, but I do like board games. I remember, growing up, how badly I wanted my mum to play board games with me, and how much of a treat it was on the rare occasions when she did – usually, she was far too tired from her long work days to have the patience to do that with me. So, in a way, I’m making up for what I didn’t have myself by playing with the Girl, but she really enjoys the attention and it gives us another opportunity to connect. Our favourite games at the moment are Pop to the Shops and Tell the Time, but we’ve played many other games in our times together.

5. Cards and notelets 

A new addition to my ‘mummy-repertoire’ are the cards and notelets I have started to slip into the Girl’s lunchbox during the holidays. In term time, she has a cooked meal at school, and I think she is too little to have a card in her book bag. But during the holidays, she goes to a holiday club and takes a packed lunch with her. In the last few months, I have started slipping daily cards or notes for her to find alongside her lunch. I only put things like ‘Have a nice day’ or ‘I love you lots’, but she has really taken to them. They tell them that I miss her and think about her and they strengthen our bond even when we aren’t together.

6. And of course, lots and lots of cuddles, kisses and saying ‘I love you’ as often as possible!!

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One day, I look forward to spa days together, urban weekend escapes, restaurant outings to places other than McDonald’s… All, bonding opportunities, opportunities to create memories which will be only ours. One day, when she is grown up and with a family of her own, I hope she will look back at all these times with fondness and joy, and she will be able to say: “My mother was always there for me”. And in the meantime, I will savour every moment when I can be.