What I have learned from being a second time mum

Recently, I have made several new friends, mums of little babies the same age and smaller than the Boy. I am very happy about this, because I want the Boy to grow up having his own group of friends, I want him to be his own person, and not always be in his big sister’s limelight (wonderful as his big sister is…). Most of these new friends are first time mothers, and I am reminded so much of the time when the Girl was a little baby and I was going through very much the same struggles as they are.

Ultimately, we all go through the same struggles, the same joys and excitements, the same moments of wanting to tear our hair out (‘Why won’t you stop crying?!? Why can’t you just go to sleep?!? Why won’t you eat?!? What ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?) – and, through it all, I am sure of it, we all experience the same all-encompassing love that makes our whole person shatter from within and be made anew again and again.  Life changes dramatically when you have a baby, your whole being is transformed, from woman you become mother, your priorities move to this little person who is outside yourself, yet feels so much a part of you, so connected to the innermost parts of your very being.

But, if I am really honest, life changes yet again once you become a mother for a second time (and, I should imagine, exponentially so the third, the fourth, or the however many, though this is certainly not something I am looking to try out for myself!). Soon after the Boy was born, I came to realise just how unfair life is:  in order to enjoy motherhood fully and without gut-wrenching worry at every little thing, you need to have gone through it once and have a second child… but the trouble is, then you HAVE A SECOND CHILD, and that adds a whole new dimension to it all.

Here are a few things I have learned from being a second time mother and of which I try to remind myself, in the darkest moments of doubt and stress:

1. Mothers really do know best. I think this is a topic that deserves a separate post, because it can often be such a big issue for mothers, regardless of how many babies they have. When this tiny little life is entrusted to our care, the sense of responsibility it comes with can often be debilitating. We get given so much conflicting advice, by doctors, midwives, health visitors, family members and/or well-wishers whom we never even asked in the first place, and yet who felt they just could not keep it to themselves and they *had* to give us advice [arguably, this blog post could come across as something akin to that as well, and if it does, I am truly sorry]. What I have learned from having my two children is that mother’s instinct really deserves to be trusted: mothers (and often fathers too, of course) just feel what is right for their babies, even if the choice appears counter-intuitive at times.
2. Kids are much less breakable than they seem. Newborn babies look so fragile that it can seem really scary to touch them, lest you might break them, and this fear carries on once they grow. We treat little ones so gingerly, we worry about every little thing that might hurt them, so we clean and disinfect everything several times over, we agonise over which shower gel, body lotion, clothes detergent and fabric softener to buy, we baby-proof our homes covering every sharp or bumpy surface with foam, we tiptoe around them if they are asleep, we don’t dare go out lest they might be unsettled by the experience, we make our entire lives revolve around them. It is so easy to let our whole lives turn into a mass of worry centred on this little person with whom we have been entrusted. And yet, what I have learned from having my two children is that, even if you don’t always achieve the perfect results, even if you sometimes feel you aren’t doing the right thing, even if sometimes you do indeed make mistakes, kids will be okay, as long as you exercise a minimum amount of caution and common sense. Kids will be okay if they have chicken nuggets and chips for the third night in a row because you are too tired to cook something fresh from scratch; babies will be fine even if you are too tired to wake up and change their nappy, as long as they are not uncomfortable in it of course; they will be fine if you skip the bath for one evening because you are short on time – in fact, their body oils will be better regulated if you don’t overdo it with the bathing; they will be fine if you don’t disinfect their hands or their high chair all the time (after all, babies crawl all over the floor, and put everything they can in their mouth anyway…). There are so many areas in which it is so easy to kick ourselves because we feel we are failing our children, but the truth is, it’s okay to cut corners sometimes, and if anything, our kids will be the stronger for not being overly cosseted.
3. Sometimes, babies just cry and there is nothing you can do. The Boy has been a particularly fussy baby, and even now, at six months, he is only generally better during the day, but can still cry a fair bit during the night. I am sure he knows what bothers him, but unfortunately he cannot tell me, and at times, nothing I do seems to be able to calm him. Although he is fed, clean, warm, held and loved, he still cries. I used to fret a lot when we went through similar moments with the Girl, because hearing your little baby cry is soul-wrenching, but by now, I have learned that these moments are inevitable. Sometimes, babies just cry, and all you can do is love them, hold them and wait, because this too shall pass.
4. The sleepless nights won’t be forever. Although your nights are no longer your own, and two hours’ uninterrupted sleep seem rather good when you can get it, your adrenaline and motherly love give you a strength that you probably never knew you had, and you can manage on very little sleep. But, however painful this feels in the moment, the schedule of recurrent night feeds is not eternal, and eventually – some sooner, some later – babies will learn to sleep through. I can’t honestly remember when the Girl started sleeping through, but by now, at four and a half, we take her to her room, say her prayers and kiss her good night, and on most nights, she doesn’t emerge again until morning. I am certain that the Boy will eventually learn to be the same – even though, at the moment, when he wakes us up for the umpteenth time in the middle of the night, I am exasperated and find it hard to remember.
5. However hard weaning is, in the end all children learn to eat proper food. Weaning the Girl was an absolute nightmare, and I honestly wonder sometimes how she managed to survive. It was so disheartening when, having slaved over the stove, she would then refuse my food with vehemence; she took so long to accommodate to lumpy food, even longer to have a varied diet (there was a time when she would only eat meat and no carbs, then for a while, she refused the meat and only ate the carbs, and I never knew what she would accept and what she would refuse). Between seven and eight months, she gained no weight and I was told off by the health visitor because I was failing my child, and I kicked myself so much over it. And yet, despite all these worries, she is now a normal, happy and healthy child, of the right size and fit as a fiddle. The fussiness and the struggles with eating clearly did no longterm damage, and I do wish I could go back and tell myself that two-three years ago.
6. Potty training can seem never-ending, but children will eventually learn and you won’t ever see a nappy again. We have yet to go through it with the Boy, but I remember how stressful it was with the Girl: I tried to potty train her before she was ready and ended up with puddles all over the floor, then once she decided it was time, she was fine during the day but we still had to use night pants for what seemed like forever. However, around three and a half, maybe a bit later, she cracked it, and she has been dry and clean at night ever since. It felt tedious and relentless while we were in the middle of it, but she got there in the end and I know that the Boy will too, even if it does take us another three-four years until we can finally get rid of our nappy holders and nappy bins.
7. Kids will reach their milestones in their own time. Unless there are actual health concerns with a child, he or she will eventually learn to sit, crawl, walk, talk, use their pincer grip, use scissors, draw, read, and all the other things that we as adults take for granted. It is so easy to look at other children, or at online guidelines, and to wonder why our own baby hasn’t yet started to do one thing or another. When the Girl was a little baby, she hated being on her tummy and took a really long time to learn to crawl or sit: it wasn’t until she was about nine months old that she could sit unaided, and even then, we would put cushions all around her because we were worried that she would fall over. However, she is now a happy and healthy four and a half year old who can run, climb, jump, tumble and dangle upside down from climbing frames in the playground (adding a whole new dimension to my worries!), so the apparent slight delay was clearly insignificant. In the end, all children are their own person and they will do things when they are ready – there is no need to rush them.
8. They do love their mum, even if they don’t show it. So many mothers I have talked to have told me the same thing: the children, whether they are very little or slightly older, seem to be so much more excited when their father comes home, or when the grandparents come to visit. In moments like those, it feels as if the mother doesn’t matter: however calm they might have been earlier on, as soon as Daddy comes home the excitement takes over and they run amok, and the same happens with Grandma, Grandpa and all the other people they love but see more rarely. The Girl’s first word was ‘duck’, then ‘Daddy’, and she took what seemed like forever to learn to say ‘Mummy’ properly, and the Boy is also starting to make ‘da-da’ sounds, so looks set to go the same way. This can be very disheartening, particularly after we spend our days running around after them, ferrying them from one place to another, making them food, cleaning their clothes, shaping our own schedule around theres. However, just because we don’t see it all the time, we need to remind ourselves constantly that their love for us is there. Yes, they take us for granted, but this is because they rely on us being there, they need us around, and if we were to go away like the Daddies who go to work or the grandparents who live elsewhere, they would be just as loving and excited with us as with them. When it comes to our children’s love, in particular, we need to learn to read between the lines.
9.  The housework can wait. I used to worry a lot about the fact that our house was messier than I would have liked, and I would worry about what people thought if they came to visit. There is still so much I need to sort out in our house, that I am sometimes overwhelmed by it, and the mountain of work seems relentless. However, in the end, babies don’t care if the dishwasher needs stacking, or if there are rather too many things strewn around on the floor. As long as they have clean clothes to wear, the rest matters very little. It is far more important to devote your time to them, to play with them, cuddle them, sing to them, take them out for walks  if the weather allows. The bond that is formed and strengthened in this way is what truly matters: the housework will wait for you, but time won’t, so it is better to enjoy every moment.
10. Finally, and most importantly, none of this will last for ever, so make the most of every moment. We mustn’t doubt it, babies will eventually learn to sleep through and eat normal food, they will stop crying, they will learn to say ‘I love you’. However dark the tunnel seems when we are right in the midst of it, there actually is a light at the end of it, even if we can’t see it. We just have to have faith that respite will come, and we must remind ourselves that, one day, all of these trials and tribulations will seem remote, and we will miss even the annoying things about our little babies. We must make the most of every moment, deal with the hardship as best we can, because before we know it, our babies will have grown up and, when we look back on it, only the good things will stick out. Whatever seems difficult and pains us now is only transient, but love shines through it all.